I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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