I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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