Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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