so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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