A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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