i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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