Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
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He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
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My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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