I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have aggressive nipples.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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