White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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