dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
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he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
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I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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