I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
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I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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