i think my tv is drunk
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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