If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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