I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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