rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize