Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
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the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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