Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
your like the ambassador to my penis.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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