i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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