i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
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If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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