her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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