dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
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This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize