dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
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Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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