i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize