I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize