This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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