you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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