dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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