so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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