I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
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So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
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the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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