Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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