So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
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I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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