if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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