It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
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As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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