dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am naked and annoyed.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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