why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
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Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
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Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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