He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can you bring me the toilet please
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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