His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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