Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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