Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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