If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
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I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
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No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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