So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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