This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
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This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
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I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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