i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
