when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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