She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
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nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
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Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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