I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
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I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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