getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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