I can text with my tongue
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
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i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
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I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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