I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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