Well douche your snatch and let's go!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize